CW: Gender-based violence/abuse
No - I don't mean "the birds and the bees."
As one could probably guess by the fact that we teach our kids about sex through riddles and avoidance, conversations around sex and intimacy are already difficult for many people. It can feel even scarier to talk about when issues of abuse arise. For me, one of the most challenging things I faced during and after my experience of domestic abuse was figuring out how to talk about it to the people in my life. To my surprise, the people closest to me were the hardest to tell. With my best friends, I really struggled to find a time that felt "right." I felt like it made me a downer or a burden to bring it up. When I finally did start talking about it, their reactions to what I was saying were sometimes not what I had hoped. Studies on trauma and recovery show that it is more emotionally distressing for people to believe victims of abuse than the perpetrators because believing victims means accepting a very upsetting reality. This does not excuse any form of victim blaming or denying a survivor's experience. However, it does help to make sense of how people can respond the way they do. In the end, it's more about them than it is about you.
The truth is, most people aren't going to know how to respond to or process these conversations right away. My best friend later explained to me that she had been so shocked that all that could come out was laughter. That being said - the people in your life that are worth keeping around will want to be there for you. In a perfect world, everyone in your life would know the exact right thing to say at just the right moment, but that often isn't the case. This is where communication comes in.
Overall
The most important thing for any situation is deciding what feels right for you. You have no obligation to tell anyone unless that's what you want. Additionally, telling someone one part of your story doesn't obligate you to tell all of it. You get to pick and choose which parts you feel comfortable sharing and if and when you share them.
In my experiences, I have found it's easiest to be direct about what I want to talk about. I pick a time when neither of us has something to do anytime soon so that the conversation doesn't feel rushed. I also try to let the person know what I think I might need out of them in that moment. I start off by saying things like:
"Hey, I want to tell you about something really hard that happened to me. It would mean a lot if I told you and you just listened. I would prefer it if you didn't ask questions as of right now. Is now an okay time?"
"What we're talking about/doing right now is bringing up memories of something difficult that I had to go through. You aren't doing anything wrong- some things might affect me differently because of what has happened. Is it alright if I tell you about some of it so you can better understand where I'm coming from?"
"I went through something really hard, and I want to talk to someone about it. Can I talk to you? Feel free to ask questions if you have them."
Telling friends
As I've already mentioned, talking to friends about domestic and gender-based violence can be really scary. When my experiences were very recent, I wasn't ready to talk to my friends about what had happened. With those close to me, I said some version of "I've been going through something really hard that I'm not ready to talk about yet, but I might need extra love and support sometimes."
Once I was ready to tell some of my friends, I told each of them as much as I was comfortable sharing. As time went on, I became more comfortable talking about it and have shared more details. In the end, what you share is UP TO YOU! Going through trauma can make you feel powerless, but sharing your story about it should be on your terms. You don't owe anyone anything that makes you feel unsafe.
Telling family
Talking to my family was the most difficult for me. I got out of my domestic abuse situation during the pandemic and had to move back in with my parents for safety. To be honest- I was really struggling at this point. I was experiencing debilitating PTSD symptoms and was struggling to rebuild my life. Unfortunately, my parents weren't very understanding of these struggles. I was pushed to disclose what had happened to me before I was comfortable doing so.
Now, I am glad my parents know some of what happened. It took a while, but they have learned to be more understanding and supportive in the ways I need. As I've said, it should be fully up to you what you share with others. Unfortunately, it can often be difficult to set and maintain these boundaries with family. You can only do your best, and the rest is up to them.
Just remember- people's reactions to your story have a lot more to do with them than it does with you.
Telling a romantic and/or sexual partner
For me, telling my romantic and sexual interests about what had happened to me was easier than telling anyone else because intimate and personal topics were already being discussed. For others, telling someone they're seeing may be the most difficult.
Talking to an intimate partner is similar to talking with friends and family in some ways, but in some ways, it's really different. For many (myself included), sex and dating bring up a lot of issues involving my trauma. I have learned that, for me, it helps to share some of my story early on with people I trust so that they can better understand my boundaries. However, you never have to share details if you aren't comfortable. Here are some ideas of what you might say:
"Before we have sex, I want to let you know that I have some past experiences that might come up for me. It would help me feel more comfortable if you avoid doing ____, but I would love it if you did ____ instead."
"Hey, when you have time, I would like to tell you about some difficult things that happened to me in my past relationship. Although I have come a long way in healing from this, it is still difficult sometimes."
"Please don't do that; it makes me uncomfortable because of past experiences."
"No, thank you."
and finally,
"No" is a complete sentence.
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