I will start by saying this: seeking help is one of the bravest things someone can do. Many of us are told that asking for help or even needing help is a sign of weakness. However, seeking help can feel almost as difficult as surviving the trauma itself for some. For me, it took months of healing on my own before I was ready to begin therapy. Some people in my life couldn't understand why I wasn't ready to start immediately, but I knew that it was important for me to be in control of my own healing journey. Although it still felt incredibly difficult when I finally started therapy, I knew I was in a place where I was ready to embark on that difficult journey.
Common fears
Personally, going into details about my traumatic experiences was the most daunting part of seeking help. Especially at the beginning of my recovery, it took me hours to compose myself after talking or thinking about what had happened. Even though I knew that I needed to confront what had happened as a part of my recovery, I was in a place where I wasn't ready to handle that additional burden.
It's also common to be nervous about opening up to another person. There may be fear of judgment, worry that they won't be able to help, or a feeling that talking about what happened will make it feel real. For some, seeking out therapy may be stigmatized in their community and support systems. Although starting therapy should be your decision, pressure from friends and family may make it especially difficult to start. I will go into detail about addressing these concerns later on, but I will say first and foremost that these fears are entirely valid to have, and any therapist should be understanding of them.
Common symptoms
Trauma can look different for everyone. Some people may struggle a lot initially but not experience lasting symptoms. For some (myself included), the worst of the trauma symptoms may not start until months after the trauma has ended. Additionally, it is common for symptoms to come in waves, fluctuating between feeling alright and struggling. Struggling doesn't mean you're weak. Not struggling doesn't make your experiences any less valid or severe.
Especially for those who experience severe and prolonged abuse, symptoms such as reliving the traumatic event, hyperarousal, avoiding reminders of the trauma, depression, anxiety, and sleep disruption are common. Some may experience some of these symptoms for a short period, while others develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and continue to experience them long term. For those who have experienced multiple traumas throughout their lives, the development of PTSD or depression following gender-based violence is even more common. It is likely to become more challenging to manage the painful internal states (sadness, anger, anxiety, etc.), which can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as suicide attempts or substance abuse. This isn't to say that you have a life sentence of these symptoms if you have experienced trauma: it means that you are not alone, not weak, and that there are ways to get help.
Starting therapy
Starting the therapy process can look different depending on where you live, what insurance you have, what you're looking for in a therapist, and many other factors. However, there are similarities in what you can expect going into your first session. This article from Very Well Mind lays out what to expect in your first session and provides tools to help you feel more prepared:
https://www.verywellmind.com/psychotherapy-101-p2-1067403
Unfortunately, not every therapist will be the right match for you. It can be easy to find faults because of the discomfort that inevitably comes with therapy, so it can be helpful to give a new therapist time to see how you actually feel. That being said, it is okay to seek a new therapist if they make you feel unsafe. Throughout the therapeutic process, make sure to check in with yourself and communicate with the therapist about your concerns if you feel comfortable doing so. Overall, it is important to remember that you should be in control of your recovery. Therapists and doctors have a lot of wisdom and information to offer, but you are the expert on yourself. Open communication about what you're comfortable with and how you feel with these professionals can help you work together as a team to find the best path to recovery for you.
No therapist is perfect, and they won't always know how to perfectly. However, they are there to help you and want the best for you. It can be scary to open up to a stranger, especially when you were raised to limit how you express your emotions. This is okay, and everyone goes into therapy starting at a different place. It's okay to progress at your own speed in therapy while working up to more vulnerability as you build a relationship with your therapist. They are there to take those steps with you.
Lastly, when choosing a therapist, it can be helpful to consider your own identity and theirs. Is there a gender you would feel more comfortable working with? Would you rather work with someone who shares your religion/ethnicity/race/background/identity status? What is important to you is up to you.
Self-care
In addition to therapy and medications, there are many things you can do by yourself or with your community to aid in your recovery. It may sound obvious, but self-care is an important (and often difficult) component of recovery. Self-care can include (but is not limited to) the following:
- Sleep
- Eating food that nourishes your body and food that just makes you happy
- Going for walks
- Meditation
- Spending time with others
- Spending time alone
- Patience for yourself
- Journaling or creative writing
- Art
- Calling or texting a crisis-line: https://www.cnet.com/health/suicide-hotlines-crisis-hotlines-to-call-or-text-when-you-need-help/
- Doing things that you enjoy or make you feel good, such as reading, exercising, or watching shows and movies
- Allowing yourself to rage, cry, or express your feelings as they come up
As you can see, there are many ways to care for yourself following trauma. It is common to feel detached from yourself and struggle to know what your body is asking for. Part of recovery is giving yourself the space and time to relearn what feels good and what doesn't, what your body needs, and which thoughts should be honored and which should be challenged. None of this will be linear or easy, so it is important to celebrate your daily victories. Rather than focusing on where you once were or where you wish you were, give yourself credit for trying and doing the best you can in each moment.
