“Self-care” is a term that’s thrown around a lot, but it can mean different things to everyone. Simply put, self-care means whatever you need it to mean in the moment. Undergoing trauma, especially domestic violence, can disrupt our bodies’ ability to communicate what they need. Even after escaping a harmful situation, our brains often continue to tell us that we don’t deserve love and care. I’m here to tell you that those thoughts are wrong. For me, my healing journey started when I began to challenge this messaging within myself. Every time a negative self-thought popped up in my mind, I countered it with a mantra:
You deserve to be safe.
You deserve to be happy.
You deserve to be loved.
It may feel like a lie at first, but with time your thoughts will begin to adjust. You can find your own mantra by imagining that someone you love is being told the same negative things you direct at yourself. What would you tell them?
Even with all the necessary time and resources, it’s impossible to take care of yourself without knowing what you/your body needs or wants. When we think of self-care, we often think about things like a spa day or green juice. Although these things can absolutely be self-care, they don’t have to be. For me, my version of self-care meant having a stash of junk food that I allowed myself to eat whenever I wanted. It may not have been traditionally “healthy,” but it was important for me in my healing. One thing that should be at the core of any self-care is self-compassion. That means being patient and kind with yourself as you learn how to prioritize your own needs. Learning to prioritize your needs after undergoing gender-based violence is often difficult, but with time and practice, it becomes easier.
To start, spend time alone and make a list of your likes and dislikes. Incorporate one of these likes into your life and work to get rid of one dislike. For example, the first like that I incorporated was going on regular walks. One thing I noticed that I disliked was being on social media before bed. Instead, I replaced this with reading a book I enjoyed or talking to a friend. Making these small changes will help you begin to tune into what your body wants and think of your needs versus only the needs of others. In other words, learning self-care means relearning who you are outside of the role you’ve been assigned in your relationships. It’s common to experience feelings of guilt when you first start prioritizing your wellbeing. As I said, though, it gets easier with time and practice.
When you haven’t been focused on your needs for a long time, it can be hard to even know where to start. Here are some ideas to begin brainstorming:
Physical Self-Care
If you can, think about a time when you felt physically healthy.
How long were you sleeping? Did you have sleep rituals?
What types of food were you eating?
What type of activity or exercise did you enjoy?
Did you have daily routines that you enjoyed?
Emotional Self-Care
If you can, think of a time when you felt balanced and grounded.
What fun or leisure activities did you enjoy?
Did you write down your thoughts in a notebook or journal?
Who did you spend your time with?
Where did you spend your time?
One thing to keep in mind is that your needs may have changed. Something that used to make you feel good might not anymore, and that’s okay. For example, I have always loved physical activity as a way to feel good and reduce stress. However, for a while after my trauma, exercising left me feeling anxious. I have since been able to bring it back into my life as I healed, but it took a while. In the meanwhile, I took up more creative outlets. I wrote stories and poems. I painted and created. I spent time in nature and explored spirituality. It doesn’t matter what your self-care is, as long as your safety and wellbeing are at the center of it.
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